17/09/2025

When I took up photography almost ten years ago I had no idea that it would help me reconnect to the world. Creative expression can be very healing. So too can breaking the silence that often surrounds intergenerational trauma which my family was deeply seeped in, well before I came on the scene.

As my mother gave birth to me and during her convalescence, my two brothers (5 years and 18 months) stayed in Salvation Army Care and my sister stayed with relatives. My oldest brother, who participated in the Abuse in Care Inquiry, came home with an eating disorder and my other brother came home mute and stayed that way for around a year. Then when I was 11 months old, my father who was told at a very young age that his father was dead, got news that he had just died in psychiatric care.

Despite coming into the world at a particularly bad time for my family, in many ways my childhood was charmed and I look back on parts of it fondly. I loved the free-range lifestyle that my siblings and I lived.  There were many long days of reckless abandon.  I’d run, bike, skate, climb, kick, swim etc., which I couldn’t get enough of. I was an into life kind of kid.

That abruptly changed in my teens, after I experienced one of many traumas that I liken to the straw that broke the camel’s back. I went through that very difficult time all on my own. My family were all dealing with their own stuff and weren’t equipped to offer support. I know now that if I’d found some comfort, my life would have taken a very different trajectory.

Since that time, trauma has been at the forefront of most of my life.  Not many people know that about me. I guess because after each setback (and there’s been a few) I’ve managed to rebuild it and keep going.

In my mid-twenties, I even managed to represent New Zealand at soccer and went to the first women’s world cup in China in 1991.  In my 30s I earned university qualifications and gave birth to my son. I also managed to build a decent career.

Despite working hard to build a good life, anxiety, depression and insomnia remained ever present. Being on a hamster wheel is hard work, especially when you’re weighted with a heavy blanket of shame, and when you don’t know how to get off it. I once again felt like I was drowning and feelings of despondency and being disconnected from the world were taking hold.

After my friend loaned me his camera, it was at least six months before I picked it up. I remember aimlessly wandering around my backyard in the bright sunlight and crouching to snap bees as they landed on the numerous dandelions. When I looked through the viewfinder I was awestruck by the beauty and detail that I couldn’t see with the naked eye. From that moment I obsessively took photos to try and capture beauty and to manage my low mood.

It was probably a year before I progressed to street photography. Then after a while I also found the courage to ask people about their lives.  These positive exchanges felt like a mutual opening of the heart. Each time I’d walk away feeling a little more emboldened and connected to the goodness in people.

It became increasingly clear that while I loved these exchanges, I really wanted to find a way to express my own story. When I finally commenced that project, it turned into an outpouring of grief. Finally putting my story out there in the world helped to lift a heavy burden.

I think unprocessed trauma sees us increasingly shut down and healing is the process of opening up. Not just to beauty, but also to feelings, such as grief, sadness and anger. I’ve learnt that being in touch with myself helps me to remain present and connected the a world that has much goodness, and to also navigate that parts that are tough and ugly.  Sometimes you experience breakthroughs, but mostly healing builds up in small drips.

This gradual opening also led me to seek help from caring and skilled professionals. I’ve learned a lot from them, and I wish I knew way back, what I know now! In particular, I didn’t fully understand the extent of the physical injury that the trauma had caused. If you’re walking around with an over wired nervous system, of course at times you’ll also feel overwhelmed, anxious and depressed. 

Because I’ve carried stress from way back, and some of my conditions were chronic, it’s taken years of dedication using the likes of yoga, healthy eating and relaxation to feel good in my body. And it’s a wonderful thing now that I do!

There’s a lot going on in the world right now and so much that we don’t have control of. I believe that the more we find ways look after ourselves and stay hopeful, the more we’ll be ok.

My Story by Lynne Warring