Western culture and Māoritanga have different perspectives on forgiveness. In Western culture forgiveness is largely seen as something that we can do on our own and if we can achieve it, we are then good and virtuous. Māori frame forgiveness as a collective act with less emphasis on it being a goal in itself. Rather forgiveness may or may not be the outcome of taking action to “restore balance” due to the harm done.
Our English dictionaries describe forgiveness as an emotional response that involves letting go of ill feeling towards someone. This meaning shaped by our Christian roots. Key themes from the Bible about forgiveness are:
We must forgive others to be forgiven by God.
“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins (Matthew 6:14-15).”
The person who has sinned must confess their sins to be forgiven also.
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness (John 1:9).”
We need to be patient and steadfast in terms of being able to forgive.
“Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”. Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times (Matthew 18:21,22).”
These passages place onus on the person who has been harmed to forgive and directs those who have caused harm to confess to god. This seems hardly fair or balanced as there is no requirement for the ‘sinner’ to make amends. While forgiveness can be healthy and liberating, in some situation it can lead to ongoing hurt and victimisation.
The stakes are higher when it comes to forgiving someone we have a deep emotional bond and ongoing contact with, as opposed to offering forgiveness to someone we don’t have an attachment with and who we may never see again. Particularly in families or relationships with long histories of unhealthy dynamics and behaviours. Healing and lasting change results from deep inner work and soul searching. And unless a person has done this, any change will likely be superficial as they’ll be operating with the same pathology. Staying enmeshed in relationships with others who haven’t done the work can leave a person open to being hurt all over again.
Coinciding with framing forgiveness as being integral to becoming whole and good is the notion that resentment and anger are unhealthy and bad. Labelling some feelings as good and some as bad, however, prevents us from feeling ok about experiencing the spectrum of emotions often needed to work through things. After all anger and wanting some form of acknowledgment of the harm done are normal reactions and can be forces for action.
Māori have a less puritan approach to forgiveness. For them, it’s a collective social process involving all parties affected with onus on the transgressor to “seek forgiveness” and to “make amends” as opposed to placing responsibility on the victim “to forgive”. Perhaps more prominent than aiming for forgiveness is the notion of utu; a means of restoring harmony and balance through the reciprocal obligations that exist between individuals and groups. These obligations might include kind deeds as well as retribution or revenge. And because Māori place relationships within the sacred realm, they enter into such processes with an openness and willingness to restore, heal and preserve.
The translation for the word Muru, which has a similar meaning to the western concept of forgiveness, has only been adopted in modern times. Rather, the phrase kimi hamutu and the word utu demonstrate the traditional Māori world view on forgiveness and reconciliation. The following entries are taken from the Maori Dictionary.
Muru
(verb) (-a) to wipe out, forgive, absolve, excuse, pardon, cancel – a modern connotation.
kimi hamutu
To make it up, make up, seek forgiveness, reconcile – an idiom used when the speaker has seriously transgressed and wishes to make it up with the person, or people, affected by the transgression.
Rangi: There is the thief that we caught stealing my car.
Pare: Yes indeed. Should we talk to him?
Rangi: Leave him alone to make it up to us.
Utu
(noun) revenge, vengeance, retaliation, payback, retribution, cost, price, wage, fee, payment, salary, reciprocity – an important concept concerned with the maintenance of balance and harmony in relationships between individuals and groups and order within Māori society, whether through gift exchange or as a result of hostilities between groups. It is closely linked to mana and includes reciprocation of kind deeds as well as revenge...
Stan Walker’s story “Impossible: My Story” is not just his story. It’s the story of his whanau’s journey towards forgiveness and healing. Their Christian values, alongside truth telling and taking responsibility, have seen the Walker family transformed. Previously entangled in intergenerational abuse, they are now able to love and laugh together and move forward as a tight-knit supportive unit. Perhaps Stan’s father Ross, who for many years dished out the same abuse he knew as a child to his own wife and children, has undergone the most profound transformation. In some respects, he has led his family’s journey towards healing through being open and honest and having a genuine intent to change.
Those of us raised as Pākehā, live in a culture that mostly values individualism over collective responsibility. Our journey towards healing often happens alone and with the help of a support person, such as a trusted therapist. In this setting we can only really work on forgiving ourselves. However, we can also work on deciding how we want to be treated and what type of relationship we want with those who have caused us harm. If family or other relationships remain difficult while doing this work, there may be a need to take emotional distance and to minimise or even go no contact.
As shown by the Walkers, forgiveness and restoration within families and other relationships is absolutely possible when issues are worked through together in a deep and honest way. Without this restorative process, finding ways to become less enmeshed may allow the mental space to let go of past hurts. With this may come a new level of acceptance and forgiveness.