When I was 16 I told my parents that I wanted to leave home and go and live in the Post Office Hostel. They responded by saying they where going to tell me something that meant they would never be able to see me again. Next thing they told me I was adopted. It turned out that was something that everyone in Gisborne already knew and they had a way of making me feel that it was not only a disgrace on my birth mother, but that it was something I should be ashamed of. I didn’t end up going to the hostel as I was never allowed to have any friends so if things didn’t work out I didn’t have anybody that I could ask for help. I left home at 20 to get married.
When my mother-in-law came to stay she told me I was a disgrace and an unfit mother to my two daughters, because how could I be a good mother if I didn’t even know my own background. I thought well you didn’t do a good job yourself as the one I married is like an iceberg and the whole family is dysfunctional. I then booked her a bus ticket back to her home town. Standing up to my mother-in-law was also the end of my marriage – halleluiah. Soon after that I made contact with my birth mother. But she didn’t want to reunite with me, as she didn’t want her children to find out about me.
It wasn’t until I was 65 years old that I made contact with my birth sister, who had no idea. I’ve come to meet and know more of my siblings and extended family since then. I’m one of the lucky ones as it’s been wonderful experience. For some it’s not – but it’s worth a go.
Don’t be put off by other people’s negative and hurtful comments. Smile, take it on the chin and then get on with it. And I’ve made things work as I’m a good mother and a fantastic grandmother.
RIP Elaine 2 September 1942 – 10 July 2020