Forgiveness

Families, we have a way of clinging on to beliefs and behaviours as if our lives depend on it. Maybe I’m one of the lucky ones, cause I’ve had to rebuild my life from scratch – more than once – and examine the morsels.

And during those times I’ve worked hard to forgive you, because I’ve always known how hard your life was. How all you ever wanted was to take away his pain and be loved by him. But let’s be honest, that was never going to happen because if he’d cared enough about himself or those around him, he’d have gone and sat in a chair and they probably would have written “sociopath” in his notes.

But in focussing on him, your children’s needs were somehow overlooked and for that we paid a huge price.  And if you had just been there for me mum, when I was young, I know my life would have been very different. Without all the struggles.

I came to forgive you and opened my heart even more when you stepped in to help when I became very sick after giving birth, as I know that was a tough time for you too. Though I’ve come to realise that my forgiveness was conditional. It came with an expectation –  perhaps a naïve one – that we would move forward as two people who had learnt from the past.

But history has a way of repeating itself and even though I’m a grown woman, the hurt from your ways can still cut deep as if I’m still a little child.  Even though you’ve seen me at my worst, you still deny my history and what I think and feel now.

Even though there were others who caused me harm growing up, you’re the one I loved and expected more from, because you’re my mother.

I’ve come to realise that what I want and what I need are two different things. What I’ve wanted is to be able to rise above it all and for our relationship to mend as you grow old, to make up for some of the tough things you went through when you were with him.

But what I need is to take distance from my past, and sometimes being around you takes me right back there because it’s as if he’s still there on your shoulder. I’ve come to learn that I can only be kind if I let go of any expectations that there will be any common understanding of the past.  And if there had been, I doubt very much that I would have felt the need to express myself with all of this scribbling.

Throughout this whole sad and convoluted process, one of the things I’ve struggled with most is learning to forgive myself for the times I haven’t been able to stand above it all and to be a better daughter.  I hope you can learn to forgive yourself too mum, and that you can find some peace.